Wednesday, January 18, 2012
WARNING! This post is going to be nothing other than a BIG whinge.
December was a great month for me, the best I had had in a long time. I had begun eliminating toxins as I mentioned in my last post and I had also started on the ‘Wahls’ diet with great success. I had more energy, clarity, better sleep, less inflammation and even my POTS was significantly improved … and then ….. the same thing happened that ALWAYS happens when ever I try anything new … I had a massive crash again.
I am so ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY that I can’t even put it into words. I did nothing wrong at all … haven’t been overdoing it in anyway … just woke up one morning feeling so ill that I spent the day in bed wondering if I were going to die. I know this feeling is familiar to many of you. It sucks! So, for the last two weeks I have been badly crashed and have been trying to work out what went wrong? I thought maybe the diet had caused too many toxins to mobilize and I had poisoned myself, which is highly likely. I also thought the liver inflammation/hepatitis that I had a few months ago might be back, also quite likely. And, maybe it’s just total coincidence and the stupid disease has just decided to have another dig at me!
I feel like I have really tried my hardest to stay positive and be proactive in trying to find ways forward, but everything I try ends in disaster, and I am just so tired now. I’m tired of trying, I am tired of staying positive and putting on a happy face. I feel like shit, the whole situation is shit. I’m severely ill, I’m alone, I am middle aged and relying on my parents (who have been incredible) and friend Michael to take care of my basic needs. It’s like being in solitary confinement in jail for years on end and every few days a prison guard come in and gives you a beating. But I did nothing wrong, I don’t deserve to be here. To top it off, the only people that care in any way are my immediate family and others who are in the same boat …. No one else gives a toss about any of us, not government or doctors or even those who used to be our friends before we became ill.
For the first time I have no plan and no idea how to move forward and to be honest for the moment I don’t want to … I just want to tread water for a while and have a break. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have break??!!