Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Shit


WARNING! This post is going to be nothing other than a BIG whinge.

December was a great month for me, the best I had had in a long time. I had begun eliminating toxins as I mentioned in my last post and I had also started on the ‘Wahls’ diet with great success. I had more energy, clarity, better sleep, less inflammation and even my POTS was significantly improved … and then ….. the same thing happened that ALWAYS happens when ever I try anything new … I had a massive crash again.

I am so ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY that I can’t even put it into words. I did nothing wrong at all … haven’t been overdoing it in anyway … just woke up one morning feeling so ill that I spent the day in bed wondering if I were going to die. I know this feeling is familiar to many of you. It sucks! So, for the last two weeks I have been badly crashed and have been trying to work out what went wrong? I thought maybe the diet had caused too many toxins to mobilize and I had poisoned myself, which is highly likely. I also thought the liver inflammation/hepatitis that I had a few months ago might be back, also quite likely. And, maybe it’s just total coincidence and the stupid disease has just decided to have another dig at me!

I feel like I have really tried my hardest to stay positive and be proactive in trying to find ways forward, but everything I try ends in disaster, and I am just so tired now. I’m tired of trying, I am tired of staying positive and putting on a happy face. I feel like shit, the whole situation is shit. I’m severely ill, I’m alone, I am middle aged and relying on my parents (who have been incredible) and friend Michael to take care of my basic needs. It’s like being in solitary confinement in jail for years on end and every few days a prison guard come in and gives you a beating. But I did nothing wrong, I don’t deserve to be here. To top it off, the only people that care in any way are my immediate family and others who are in the same boat …. No one else gives a toss about any of us, not government or doctors or even those who used to be our friends before we became ill.

ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the first time I have no plan and no idea how to move forward and to be honest for the moment I don’t want to … I just want to tread water for a while and have a break. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have break??!!

16 comments:

  1. ((((((((((((Lee Lee))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there we're in this together!

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  2. Hi, Lee. Hear hear toady of your points. Like the one about just wanting to tread water for a while. All the best. :->

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  3. oh sweetheart...you got that bit about solitary confinement so very right, it's hard for anyone 'outside' to understand just how cruel this is. i hate to think of you so alone and suffering so much - sometimes (often) the emotional pain is much harder to deal with than all the physical. which is saying a LOT. big big love to you. XXOO

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  4. PS - not the content i was expecting...almost wish it had been.

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  5. Lee Lee, I so understand how you feel! I have tried countless things out there, have spent hundreds of thousands (not exagerated) dollars chasing not even cures-just something to make me feel a bit better. I love to visit denialville every once in awhile. Just to get a break. I go between that and sure panic about the next big thing to try in a regular vicious cycle. It is a pile of shit and a terrible way to live. I get so made about it too. I have lived my entire life working so hard, becoming a veterinarian, always taking care of myself, blah blah blah! Should have been freaking living it up, cause it got me no where but f@$ing ME ville. Thanks for letting me vent. Love your friend Tracy W aka Terry H!

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  6. oh Lee Lee, you really didn't do anything wrong. It is just really weird how it sometimes hits you out of the blue. A break is good. Could the stress of the case have played a part? Either way give yourself some credit. You are really fighting a fierce battle. Hang in there. xxx

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  7. Lee lee I'm treading water to..... I could have written this...... But truthfully I don't have the energy..... Reading it has taken mine...... I deal with it day by day.... Press the pause button... listen to calm music... Hold on it will pass.... Then fight again.. Hugs x

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  8. Well it is a long and lonely road I'm afraid and, just as you would on a walk along a long and lonely road, every now and then you need a rest, a break. Sadly there is no break from 'The Bastard Illness' or from the lack of understanding and caring of so many people but you can take a break from all the hurt and pain.

    What I'm saying is that it's O.K. to just stop trying now and then cos trying takes energy and resting doesnt. If The Bastard wont leave you alone that turn your back on it and rest and do other stuff when/if you're able....anything. And if you feel like crying and raging and screaming then do that too. In the past I have drawn images of The Bastard and then torn them in to a hundred pieces or burnt them. It doesnt make The Bastard go away but it makes me feel better.

    You have been and are doing everything right. You dont deserve this. You shouldnt be where you are. It's not fair and the whole thing is shit...we hear you....and all we can do is (virtually) hold you and stay by you until you come out of this phase...and you will. It's just that atm you are tired and battle-weary and need a breather.

    If I could be there then I, like many others, would hug you and stay by you until this storm had passed but as I can't be there I send as much strength as I can and a strong hand to hold x

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  9. Oh, Lee Lee...I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time. We have all been in this pit you are in, at one time or another. And sometimes, even the most optimistic and positive of us just needs to curl up and wallow in the rotten unfairness of it all!!

    There is a very good chance that this latest crash is not due to anything you have done or not done - some of my absolute worst relapses have been totally outside of my control - most likely viral triggers I was exposed to without even realizing it.

    I wish that all of us out here in the cyberworld who understand and have been there ourselves could just come over and take care of you until you are feeling a bit better again!!

    So, just go ahead and tread water for a while. Take care of yourself and rest, rest, rest. As bad as it seems, it WILL get better...and you are NOT alone.

    Love,
    Sue

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  10. I'm sorry Lee Lee. I am with you at that place.

    One day it might be different.

    Big love
    Marzi xoxox

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  11. That image of being in solitary, with the prison guard: so very powerful. I have often felt this myself, but never expressed it. Your writing has such energy. (And the turd image is perfect :))

    Hope this finds you in a better space.

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  12. (((huggles))) with you there too... December was also a pretty great month for me too, and then out of nowhere, just like you, back to feeling like I've been hit by a truck... repeatedly.... (out of interest, we have been experiencing quite a lot of solar flare activity / geomagnetic storms etc and I do wonder whether this doesn't help!!)
    Hang in there... good days will come again :) x

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  13. hey lee just stumbled on ur blog and i cant write much today as when i am tired the laptop does my head in.i have had cfs for 12 years and i have been where u are many many times...its so hard not to be angry and frustrated and of course emotional stress is the worst thing for us so its very hard.not that its relevant really but i am 49 and gay but i am blessed to have a partner of 15 years who has stuck by me and an 8 yr old son by her of course :)he is my world and keeps me going.about a year and a half ago i was in such a big hole and was desperate i had lost all hope and just had to find something new to try...i think some angel sent me a local kinesiologist called Mel who is now my angel on earth she is so much more than her title she is part priest for my confessions part shrink part life coach but most of all a healer...the last 6 months have been the best of my 12 years and its because of a mental shift.
    I remember a friend in the uk who i have never met give the advice when i was frustrated...i told her i dont understand as i try so hard to get well..she said thats the problem....i didnt understand for a while but now i do.I had to finally accept my illness..it is what it is kind of deal...that sounds small but it took a weight off me...i stopped wasting my energy getting mad etc...well most of the time...and of course we all have differant symptoms we have to deal with and work out what helps us but the mental shift has really helped me...i am not explaining very well and have to get off as i am tired so its not good for my brain but i just wanted to say...hang in there ....just allow yourself to just be... a better day is coming..dont torture yourself with what ifs and whys it will make u crazy....i wish you well...hope this didnt sound condesending i just know what a differance it made for me...acceptance that my old life is gone and i can make the best of what is my life now....be well...andy :)

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  14. Have you come across planetthrive.com? I find it a real open-minded thoughtful & welcoming community full of ideas, humour and stories of successful healing. Many members are sharing their experiences of healing with brain retraining programmes. (not positive thinking or some such.. real retraining of the immune system/limbic system/rerouting overactive flight fright mechanism to give the body chance to calm and heal itself. Take a look and see if anything resonates with you, Bee x

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  15. These kind of post are always inspiring and I prefer to read quality content so I happy to find many good point here in the post, writing is simply great, thank you for the post

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  16. I've searched for shit in google pictures cause thats how I feel today. I'm pretty sure now what's causing it, but don't have the money right now to fix it. You're probably not gonna read this but if you do i think this might be the fix for ya. So...do you have amalgams fillings in your mouth? If so get rid of that as soon as you can. It's the number one source of mercury for humans which is the second most poisonous element that there is. Oh and when you remove it please find a dentist that can do it properly. You can poison yourself even worse if you don't do it correctly. Best of luck.

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