Friday, March 4, 2011

And then there were none!

Thanks to everyone who shared their comments on my previous post, it was something I had wanted to talk about was not sure how it would be received. This post is similar in that regard. For those of you who are also suffering with a debilitating illness I am sure you will relate but for friends and family it may be something that just hadn’t even occurred to you.

Since getting ill my circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller. Initially I had felt abandoned by everyone. Some people eventually got in touch and some people never did. I do understand that as the friend of someone who is ill you may feel like you have no idea what you can offer or even just what to say, or possible frighten of catching whatever it is … so some of you find it easier to just stay away. I also appreciate that life is busy and although you mean well time just gets away …. I have never been angry about this but for some time it saddened me.

As my illness progresses I am finding that it’s me who is cutting ties with people. As much as I hate spending all day everyday alone I more often than not feel like it’s the only way. I just can’t handle social visits anymore. When someone I know comes to visit it’s exciting for me and I want to be attentive but 5 minutes of that and my concentration is gone and my body just starts to say it’s time to lay down in a quiet room. It’s so hard to say to someone who has gone to the trouble of driving over to see me that they have to leave already … it’s heart breaking in fact. The other thing I struggle with is actually having the situation feel ‘normal’. Usually when you visit friends you ask ‘how are you’ and ‘what have you been up to’ … but if someone asks me those questions I have no answer … ‘how am I’ – really CRAP, ‘what have I been up to’ – laying on the couch all day everyday. No one wants to hear that and quite frankly I don’t want to say it. If I ask the same questions of the visitor they often feel guilty that they are well and have been doing something … doing anything!! So the whole experience is hardly like two friends catching up.

So, my circle has become tiny now and while it’s what I need it is defiantly not what I want. As time passes I am watching my life morph into one that in no way resembles who I was …. So who am I becoming??