Thursday, November 18, 2010

Loss & Re-Inventing

I was gonna talk about my recent crash and treatment again today but there is something more pressing.
I read a post that Cusp wrote this morning (check it out here) and it really resonated with me. This illness is so isolating for everyone. If you live alone then you rarely see other people and if you don’t live alone you spend a lot of your time watching your housemates leave and go off and do things in the real world while you get left behind. Over time many of us slowly lose everything that had been important to us in our former life. This week I gave my car away. I have not been able to drive since January and having a car rotting in your garage doesn’t make much sense. My brothers car died last week and so I did the sensible thing and offered him mine. If it was the sensible thing then why did it hurt so much when I watched it disappear out of my driveway? It’s a bit like catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and for a second you think ‘who the fuck was that’, ‘,oh, it’s me’. That undeniable reality smacks you upside the head. It is possible that I will be able to drive again one day, but it’s also possible that I will take a trip into space with Richard Branson …. possible, yes, but better not make that assumption.

I was thinking about what giving the car away meant and I realised that I have actually given a lot of stuff away recently, clothes, CD’s, just stuff in general and I had a lightbulb moment. I did the same thing years ago after my partner died. At that time I got rid virtually everything I owned, furniture, clothes, photos, everything and it was a devastating experience. I understand now that it’s part of the process of re-inventing yourself in order to survive. The person you were just doesn’t exist in the same form anymore and so you must shed some layers in order to get to your authentic self and start again within your new parameters. Knowing that this is what’s happening does make it easier. It’s so easy to just feel totally out of control when you are faced with loss of any kind, it’s nice to understand what is happening.

The crappy thing is that just because you understand the process of loss doesn’t mean that you can stop it. For us it runs deep and it’s ongoing. We lose our health, our jobs, our homes, our friends, sometimes family, our future, our dreams, sense of purpose …. The list is endless.

The good news is that if you are able to stop fighting against it then you can actually learn and gain some very cool stuff. Barry talks about this on his blog – here. So that is my goal at the moment, I’m looking around at my environment and taking a good look at myself and seeing what new and exciting possibilities exist.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Sorry to say but its back to the whiney complaining version of me today. About two weeks ago I finished the treatment I was taking to get rid of the Helicobacter Pylori that I had recently discovered. Helicobacter causes stomach ulcers and is known also to be implicated in chronic illness of many types. The treatment is a week long triple cocktail and by the last couple of days my gut problems were fading away and I was feeling pretty great. But … within a few days my symptoms of diarrhea, burning pain and all over ‘hit by a truck’ feeling were back. During this time I had also had a parasite – Blastocystis. Anyway, after another week of suffering I got re-tested to see if the parasite was still there. I didn’t get re-tested to see if the Helicobacter was gone because you have to wait four weeks before you re-tested for that. So,the parasite was gone but I was still feeling TERRIBLE.
I emailed my Dr and explained how I was feeling and said that I figured the Helicobacter must still be there. My Dr emailed me back saying he will write me a script for Nexium which is a drug that inhibits stomach acid. The theory is that just because the Helicobacter is gone doesn’t mean that the damage it did is gone. It may have caused an ulcer or at the very least inflammation. Stomach acid would certainly be irritating that so the Nexium should reduce the acid so that the damaged tissue can heal. Sounds great in theory but HOW BLOODY LONG is that gonna take. I have been taking the Nexium for 5 days and I am still in lots of pain and just feel shit really. The diarrhea had stopped but I wouldn’t say things are normal in that department. I do think that fixing my gut is not going to be a quick and easy process. I am certain that there are other things going on there that also need to be addressed. I still have the chronic pancreatitis issue and in the last 6 – 8 weeks I have noticed a large lump in what I think would be my ascending colon. This could be a number of things … tumour – possible but unlikely because the lump comes and goes each day, it could be a spot where icky bacteria builds up each day – quite possible, it could just be a stretched bit where stuff getting digested collects – also possible, or lastly it’s a hideous ALIEN waiting to burst out of my stomach and run a muck aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Hahahaha.
I have an appointment with my Dr in a couple of days and I really want to know that this is either working or not working because he is going on holidays shortly, so I am gonna be on my own for a bit.

Now for the good news !!! Um ….. I won $4 on a scratchy ticket last week, whoohoo!!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Unexpected visitor

A couple of nights ago I heard the sounds of things being knocked over outside my front door. I live in an apartment on the top floor. There are 3 flights of stairs in an enclosed stairwell up to my door. When I heard these noises I thought someone was out there getting up to some sort of mischief. I dragged myself off the couch and over to the door, looked through the peephole but couldn't see anything. I could still hear something going on out there so I opened the door to find an 8 foot diamond python fossicking through the random junk that I have sitting out there. Eeek! not what I was expecting.
It was 10.30 at night and it was far from being one of my better days so I was not in any fit state to deal with this sort of thing. I had to do something though! I had a look online to try and find an after hours snake handler. A couple were listed in my area but none answered their phones. By this time I was feeling really exhausted and ill. I called my Dad and he called a snake handler he had used before and she agreed to come and remove the snake. In the meantime, without my knowledge the snake made its way down the stairs and sat in front of my downstairs neighbours door just as she was about to leave for work. I heard an almighty scream followed by lots of hysterical swearing!
About half an hour later the snake lady came and rescued us hahaha.
Not a pleasant story but a welcome distraction from my current state of dreadful health. I am still not much better but wont ruin this fun post with that nonsense!!