Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Feeling truely blessed.

This is a hard post to write, I don’t really know where to begin. Today is the 10 year anniversary of my partner Roberts’s death. I can’t believe 10 years have passed, we were together for 10 years and yet the two spans of time in no way feel equal. Those years with Robert were undeniably the best years of my life and the memories bring me such joy.

When we first met I was 22, singing in a band and wearing pink fur hotpants. He was 32, working as a senior consultant in a town planning firm and wearing a suit and tie. We were worlds apart in pretty much all aspects of our lives and yet there was an instant connection and attraction that lead us into the most wonderful relationship. It was the huge differences that really made it work for us. Robert was stable and smart, down to earth and full of honesty and compassion whereas I was spontaneous and a risk taker. The window we provided each other into different world was fascinating for both of us and over the years we both learnt a great deal about life and love. We were the sort of couple that were joined at the hip. We usually did everything together, sleeping in on Sundays, travelling the world, working out at the gym, community work and of course the mundane stuff like grocery shopping and cleaning the house. In 10 years we had only one argument …. I really couldn’t dream of a more perfect partner and relationship.

It’s 10 years down the track now and I am the age Robert was when he died, and I am sick. The last year has been extremely difficult healthwise but there is something about my past with Robert that has really given me the strength to get through each day. He may no longer be here on this planet but he is still influencing the way I think and the way I respond to everything around me. I cannot imagine how I would be coping with my illness had he not been a part of my life for all those years. It’s odd, I can’t even explain all of this to myself but in some way Robert is making this a much easier road for me to travel.

I feel truly blessed for the time I had with him and for his memory which is with me everyday.

The photo was the last picture I ever took of him. It was taken the day before he died and it sums up his cheeky personality perfectly. This is how I remember him.


  1. So glad you managed to post this - well done. I know it's potentially a horrible day for you but it's wonderful that you are able to focus on the joyful gifts such a relationship brought you. Some people may never in their lifetime experience such a connection with another person.

    I'm very honoured to know you, even if the circumstances are less than desirable!

    Take care of you today. Lots of hugs xx

  2. I'm sorry about your loss, Lee Lee. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship. Anniversaries are always so hard, but I'm glad you are focusing on the gratitude you feel for the time you had together. No doubt he lives on through your memories. What a great way to remember him and to honor who he was to you.

  3. Beautiful, Lee Lee - I love the picture...says so much about Robert, and you. You truly are blessed to have had a wonderful relationship like are truly special. xxx

  4. Thank you for writing this, Lee. My day is a whole lot richer having read it.

  5. Every day must be so hard for you Lee Lee, but I'm glad you're at a place where his life is mostly good memories and less of the pain of his loss. Vale Robert!

  6. What a beautiful post, Lee Lee. It made me cry. This must really be a tough day for you. I hope sharing it with all of us has helped. Robert was blessed to have you.

  7. wish i'd seen this yesterday...shivers up my spine reading it, such a beautiful portrait of your relationship. thinking of you and sending love. XXOO

  8. (or is it today...confused by the dates that seem wrong on these posts sometimes. nevertheless, still the same message)

  9. Lee Lee, what you have been through is pretty much my worst nightmare, though I too realise how lucky I am to be in such a good relationship in the first place, also with someone a bit older and quite different from me. It works well for us too.
    The photo of him is making me well up as well. Well done for posting so positively and with such love. That obviously has not diminished over these ten years.

  10. I am sorry I missed this yesterday but I feel lucky to have read such a beautiful post. I know the loss of a brother but not a partner in life. Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you. xxxxx

  11. What a lovely way to honour someone you loved so much. I can only imagine what a hard sad aniversary it must be. It's amazing that you can also see the positive side (that you had such an amazing person in your life for 10 years). Take care Leelee

  12. This is me, trying to catch up on blogs I haven't visited for a while. Gosh, energy and concentration is sooo limited at the pc! Not to mention access becuz of living with my two teen girls, and only this one computer!

    I'm glad it was this post that I got to see when re-finding your blog, Lee Lee. It touches my heart so deeply. All I can think is how wonderful it is that you found true love in this lifetime! And got to experience it fully! Even though, alas, nothing lasts forever.

    At almost 54, I am still waiting to find "my" him! :-0


  13. "We were together. I have forgotten the rest."
    Walt Whitman.

  14. Firstly, I need to correct my quotation from Walt Whitman. I wrote it from memory but after looking it up I realise the correct reading is,
    "We were together. I forget the rest."

    Lee Lee, I first read this line of poetry when I was grieving for someone and it literally left me breathless for a few moments because I understood what Whitman was saying - something about the way love eternally fuses people together on a level beyond anything palpable or material, in the deepest part of one's being, beyond space and time. Your post deeply moved me and I have the utmost respect for what you have been through and I hoped that the Whitman quote (it's actually quite famous) might move you as it did me. I'm sorry if it seemed inappropriate in inapt in any way.

    It seems disrespectful to hijack this very special post with a lengthy exposition on a different topic so I'll try to answer your question succinctly.

    Whitman was a nineteeth century American poet who published "Leaves of Grass", a book of poetry now considered to be one of America's finest works but scorned as scandalous at the time of its publication. His poetry was revolutionary at the time, it broke with the tradition of perfectly-formed verse in favour of unrhymed, raw, unmetered free verse. But even more transgressive was the poetry's content: it was raw and immediate and intimate; he celebrated the body, the equality of men and women, sexuality, democracy, and passionate relationships between men which he considered to be as divine, noble and pure as the love betweeen men and women (he was gay and some of his poetry was homoerotic. There was no language for homosexuality at the time, except for the very offensive, censorious words. The word "homosexual" didn't even exist. Whitman tried to write about the love between men in a tender way). He was sacked from his civil service job for his "obscene" poetry, poetry that he wrote to offer people a new spiritual vision, a new phase of consciousness, a transcendent experience.

    He was spurned by most of the academic establishment (but not all), lived in poverty, suffered poor health - but regardless gave an enormous amount of his time to help relieve the suffering of horrendously wounded, dying soldiers (from the Civil War).

    Sorry if this response is too long, Lee Lee. It's just that you do seem the creative, passionate type and I think you might find Whitman's poetry and biography very moving.

  15. Whitman was a 19th century working class, brilliant, revolutionary, American poet. His poetry and his biography are very interesting. I've sent you an email ( to more fully answer your question.

  16. This is such a beautiful and poignant reminder of life and love. I think the reason he gives you strength still, is that Robert was your one great love, the love of your life. And you know you've had that. Not to say you won't find love again, but you can savour what was the most important and sweet relationship of your life.

    Love you honey.