Thursday, March 11, 2010

ANGRY!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


I’m really really really ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter how shitty life has been or how bad I feel I always remind myself that at least I am able to care for the people that matter to me. Well even that has just slipped away. Someone really important to me had something dreadful happen today and there was nothing I could do. In the past I would have hopped in my car and driven over to ‘be there’ but all I could do was sit on the end of the phone and say how sorry I was …. which was totally useless. I’m so angy, this stupid fucking illness has not only ruined my life but it’s now ruining my ability to be of use to others. I’m so worried about my friend and I don’t even have the strength to pace up and down. How do you convince yourself that there is any hope when you are forced to miss THE most important moments in life.

Another friend of mine has CFS and he missed my partners funeral and his daughters wedding because if it. I now know how he must have felt …. How can you expect someone to forgive you for being absent when it really counts when your excuse is an invisible illness ….. IT”S ALL JUST SHIT ……..

7 comments:

  1. Hi Lee, Sorry that life seems so rubbish for you at the moment. But if your friend thinks as much of you as you obviously think of him, then hopefully he'll understand. Still won't help you feel better about being unable to do what you want to / be where you want to. Hope that being on the end of the phone is enough for your friend, because it HAS to be that way for you just now. But it will improve. Try not to let the anger and frustration eat away at you - it will only make you feel worse than you do already. Take care x

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  2. Oh Lee, I can so understand what you mean. I've just been commenting on Chris' blog (sickandtired) about guilt and responsibility and how damaging it can be for you when you, yourself, are ill.

    I felt much the same way you do now when my mother was dying. I'm an only child and I should have been there more but often it was all I could do to pick up the phone and have a conversation with her because it was so draining emotionaly and physically. At that point I tried to use the phone as little as possible because I found it so tiring.

    Towards the end of my mother's illness I used to rest or sleep in bed all day so I could get to the hospice for a half hour visit in the evening.

    You're obviously very caring about the people close to you: it's obvious from previous posts not just this one. What I've come to realise is that sometimes it is OK for you to be the one who is unwell or need help. It is OK to be the receiver rather than the giver.

    Anger, especially at oneself, is very very corrosive. It saps all your energy even when you're well. Try not to beat yourself up. As Michelle says, your friend, if he's a true friend, will understand your predicament. Try to forgive yourself and learn from the experience.

    Take care of yourself
    (*)

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  3. Lee- That must be very frustrating and I am not surprised that you are so angry. Nothing I can say will help you to feel better at this point. Good luck.

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  4. Lee. I know that feeling well because it's happened to me so many times. I've learned a way to deal with it that helps. I don't know if it will help you but I'll describe this practice called tonglen from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition (I'm not a Tibetan Buddhist, but, as I said, it helps me). When you breath in, imagine you're breathing in the suffering of all of those who, like you, can't leave the house to help a friend in need. Then when you breath out, breath out whatever kindness and compassion and peace you have (even the tiniest bit) to offer those who are suffering because they're in the same position you are.

    I find the results quite amazing. It not only makes me feel connected with all of those who are in a similar situation to me, but I'm always amazed that, even though I may be angry or incredibly sad about what's happening, there's always a bit of love and compassion to send out to others on the "out breath."

    I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe this will help.

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  5. Lee-

    I've had this experience too of not being able to give back to family and friends because I've been too sick to leave the house. It's difficult to feel so ill and then feel so helpless when someone we love is in need.

    It's hard not to be angry at this illness isn't it?

    May you find some peace within this storm-

    Terri

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  6. Thanks everyone!! Everything feels a little less out of control today (the day after). I guess it's all part of the process and it's just my turn!!

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  7. Yes, we've all been there, and we all understand your anger and frustration, Lee. Missing out is definitely the worst part of this wretched illness. I've gone on vacations with my extended family (they still don't get how much that wipes me out) and been so sick I couldn't leave my bedroom for days. All I can tell you is that the bad days pass, and you CAN still find joy and fulfillment, even in the midst of CFS.

    Sue

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